A Beginning Song

My husband and I are going to Walt Disney World tomorrow. Our favorite place. Our happy place. Our home away from home. The place where we got engaged, married, and have made so many unforgettable memories.

The last time we visited, I was pregnant with Baby B. It felt different the last time we were there. Important almost. We were parents. I felt as if I needed to take mental notes with each turn we took. I looked at the strollers each mom and dad used. I wondered about what they carried in their diaper bags. I admired the dads carrying their kids atop their shoulders in the blistering sun, but also felt a strong maternal instinct to tell them to put their kid down, because I was afraid someone would get hurt. LOL. I watched as little girls met their idols in matching princess costumes, and wondered if our kids would like the newest character of the week, or if they would be more into the classics. I laughed at the arguments I heard between child and parent, and thought to myself  “One day that will be you and Baby B.”

I had Mickey ear hats specially made for us. They were individually embroidered with “Mom”, “Dad”, and “Baby B”. When we were in line waiting for them to be finished I remember the cast member calling out “Mom!” and I thought “That’s me. I’m a mom.” I broke down and sobbed happy tears as Brian and I walked down Main Street USA. I couldn’t believe that one day we would be able to give Baby B her hat. We would walk hand in hand with her and tell her the story about how Daddy proposed in front of Cinderella Castle, and how we had the most magical Disney wedding in the world.

Sadly, our sweet Baby B will only get to be with us in spirit now. All of our hats are now tucked away in a keepsake box together. They were too painful to keep out and look at every morning. I’m hoping one day I’ll have the strength to take them out again. Perhaps, if we are one day blessed with a rainbow baby, we can explain to him or her that they had a sibling, and she’s watching over you and she would want you to have her hat. It’s something I wish for every single day.

The last few days have been incredibly difficult. There’s always a point in my day where all I want to do is crawl into bed, turn the lights out, and go to sleep. I’ve been so exhausted lately. Some nights I have trouble sleeping, and last night I had nightmares of a bloody sea and my best friend’s sister’s husband dying. Yeah, that was definitely a weird one. My best friend told me that if you dream about death, it means a baby is coming. I felt chills when she told me that today. I can only hope.

I have such a mix of emotions right now. I’ve been feeling anxiety over knowing that I’ll feel heartache on this trip, but also guilt because I’m excited to go. I’m excited to be with my husband in our favorite place and feel joy. I’m excited to laugh with him and spend quality time together. The guilt comes from my mind being so preoccupied with planning that I’ve forgotten why we’re going in the first place. To heal. I’ve swept all of my emotions under the rug, and haven’t dealt with truly feeling all of the pain. So it basically smacked me in the face this week, and I’ve broken down the last few days. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it has definitely knocked me on my ass. If I could suggest one way of coping, it’s to make sure to take a moment and acknowledge how you’re feeling and let yourself actually feel it.

I started my first period since the miscarriage. It came right when it was supposed to. My first thought was relief. It made me feel confident in my body. I felt like my body did its job and that it must be healing on the inside. My second thought was fear. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. We’re back to square one. We’re able to start trying again. It just feels so soon. I had 10 weeks with Baby B, and it wasn’t long enough. I feel like when we start trying again, it means we’re really saying goodbye to her memory and that we’re letting go.

The reality is that we will grieve forever. It’s never really goodbye. Baby B exists in everything we do. She’s what makes me strong. She is who gives me so much hope, because I know with all my heart, that she is watching over us. She’s with us every moment of the day. It’s not how I hoped things would turn out, but I know I’m lucky to have a guardian angel. She’s giving me a new beginning, and new beginnings can hold a lot of magic.



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